Sunday, 17 April 2011

you've lost that loving feeling.................

so somebody sent me this: 10 reasons why topgun isnt gay, i thought it rather amusing, so here it is..................

10. Maverick clearly has sex with a woman.Alright, fair enough, this doesn't necessarily prove much. He may be bisexual. Maybe he's in denial. BUT HE STILL DOES, DAMMIT, and with Kelly McGillis, so you can't run with the whole "but she looks like a man" theory that may work if she was, say, Sarah Jessica Parker (who looks like a male horse). Plus they're together at the end of the film, so it's obviously a carefully considered decision, and not a wild night of drunken abandonment.

9. Male Bonding is not gay.

What's gay about a game of beach volleyball, often cited as the main point of homosexual inference by the movie's detractors? Nothing, that's what. They're having time off from an otherwise stressful and intense career. Tell me you don't go and shoot pool or have a few beers with some chums after your hard, relentless day in whatever minor deskjob you do, chuck. Now times that by A HUNDRED. Beach Volleyball, man.

8. The F14 is fuckin' awesome.


Without wishing to descend into stereotypes, the F14 is not colour co-ordinated, has no cup-holders, no CD player for The Best of the
Weather Girls and requires you to blow up Russians. I re-iterate, blow UP Russians.

...okay, so I did descend quite rapidly into stereotypes. I'm sure my lawyer will be thrilled.

7. The soundtrack kicks ass.


C'mon. Probably the only superior 80's movie rock is The Touch from Transformers. YOU GOT THE TOUCH....duh, duh, duh...YOU GOT THE POOOOWAAAAAH


Anyway. Also, Righteous Brothers (who are probably more responsible for unwanted pregnancies than any other band) and Goose (who, incidentally, is married with children) giving an energetic performance of Great Balls of Fire. Additionally, the Top Gun Theme was recently released as a track for Guitar Hero, which is the most Heterosexual Game Ever.

6. Michael Ironside.

5. Tarantino is a known liar.

When the topic of Top Gun comes up, most people point to Tarantino's snappy 'lil dialogue in Sleep With Me. Okay, but his pop-culture rants in his films have been known as incorrect before. His "Like A Virgin is about big cocks" spiel in Reservoir Dogs? Lies! All of it! Madonna even sent him a note telling him so. See, that's the wonder of intent and interpretation. The two may not be the same thing.

4. You try losing your wingman and not acting a little strange.

So after they had to eject from their nosediving F14, Mav cradles Goose in his arms. Okay, but if you haven't noticed, they are in the water and Goose is unconscious, possibly dead. He's not just gonna go "Well, I don't know if you're still living or not, but y'know, bearhugging you is a little too fruity for my tastes, so let's assume it's the latter and I'm not drowning you".

Standing around in his pants quite randomly afterward seem weird to you? HE JUST LOST HIS BEST FRIEND, YOU HEARTLESS DICKHEAD.

3. Michael fuckin' Ironside.

2. So-called innuendo is not actually innuendo.

"You can be my wingman anytime."
"Bullshit! You can be mine."

What do they mean by this exchange? Are they making reference to being the giver and receiver? No. No they are not. They are saying they have now established a line of mutual trust between fighter pilots, and would gladly fly knowing the other is backing them up. And by backing them up, I don't mean backing them up.

1. I have watched the film a zillion times, and I am not gay.

I feel this is definitive proof. I may currently be single, but none of my ex-girlfriends were men. So there.


Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have a lavender bath and exfoliate.

not bad.
the chunky hipster

1 comment:

  1. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah brilliant.